Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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