i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
