I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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