So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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