I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
