i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
