Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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