Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
