Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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