I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
