so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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