My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
