Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
