I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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