My liver just broke up with me...
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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