There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
