Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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