she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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