he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
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He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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