I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
