mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
