Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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