You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
