Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
