you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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