haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
