If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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