I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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