I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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