i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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