Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
