do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I am one with the molecules
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
