Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
