He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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