I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
