I smell stomach acid.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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