this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
