i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
