I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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