There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
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That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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