Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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