i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
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What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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