she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
