How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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