don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
