I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
