Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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