I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
