youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
