i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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