I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
