I haven't been this sober since birth.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All the doctor said was why
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
