I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
