Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
