I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
did i just pee glitter
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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