Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
