I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
